Taboo Page 3

  Wasp

  Lack of physical bruises is not a sign to stay, when your words get twisted and you find yourself apologising for things you didn’t say.

  Self-esteem in tatters, your confidence is destroyed, when you going to stand up and realise, you’re just his toy.

  Any form of confrontation freaks your man right out, does he ignore you? Or does he scream and shout?

  He doesn’t pay your rent, barely takes you out, does his family know about you, is that even allowed?

  He is all over social media, he needs attention like a drug, but there’s not one photo of you and him that he puts up.

  He talks to other girls and when you try to speak, makes out you’re the liar and the one who is a cheat.

  Walking on eggshells when he’s at home, you really would be better off being on your own.

  Degrading you, putting you down, all because he knows you will stick around.

  He can’t take responsibility for anything he does, making you passive, this really isn’t love.

  It’s not a relationship, it’s a bit of a joke… We both know he prioritises taking coke.

  Did he have a bad childhood, is that what he said? So, you’re now paying the price for what’s going on in his head?

  Neglect, cold shoulder, silent treatment, do I need to say more? You need to stop second guessing yourself and head for the door.

  Ignoring you is his power it’s how he gains control, how many more times before this gets old?

  You cut off your family, friends and basically hide, do you think we can’t see what’s going on in your life?

  ‘Gaslighting’, have you heard of that? Form of manipulation he’s got that in his bag.

  Scared of losing him but what is it you lose? A miserable life filled with abuse.

  His dick is not made of diamonds neither made from gold, so why are you letting this man take your soul?

  Think you can’t get better? Well it couldn’t get any worse, you need to leave this man, or you will continue to get hurt.

  I don’t want to hear “I love him”, that’s not going to wash, no more excuses, he’s as infectious as a wasp.

  Don’t turn the tables, don’t play his game, the safest thing you can do for you is simply walk away.

  Read up on emotional abuse and if the signs ring true, pack your things and leave him, that’s what you do.

  Wild West

  You were a football hooligan, me a spoil brat, thought I had it all when we met, and you told me you were done with all of that.

  We had a wild summer, we loved a holiday abroad, and life would have been perfect if it didn’t include the courts.

  The bar we ran was always the place to be, although it could be trouble so we installed CCTV.

  Our parties were epic, our reputation was the best, little did I know back then this would end in a mess.

  Kasabian would always end the night, maybe a few football chants too, for all the bad we had there was plenty of good times too.

  As the season changed, as did you learn you were going to prison as part of the Shandi 92.

  We went to the boxing that night, made a fortune at the bar, both of us partied harder than hard.

  Once home you blacked out, why is our buzzer ringing now?

  I answer and the response, it’s the police, I laugh and say, “Kelly, fuck off, it’s just gone three.”

  Just like that the flat shines bright, whole place illuminates, yet our flat’s up high.

  I look out the window then I see it’s the police parked under a tree.

  Halloween started the end to the happiness we did know, everyone dressed up as ghouls and ghosts.

  Bar rammed, everyone was having fun until a young guy tried it on, went for you and I went mad, found a strength I didn’t know I had. My hand clinched around his throat all whilst I was dressed as a ghost.

  For someone so small I don’t know how I managed to lift him off the floor, within seconds I had slung him out of the pub door; you were shocked, I could tell by your face, you had the temper, it’s the first you’d seen my rage.

  Bonfire night followed soon after, so I took your son’s to a display, you weren’t there of course as now I watched the you, I knew, start to fade away.

  Lost in the bottom of a glass, don’t get me wrong, we had material things but the love we had wasn’t going to last.

  Christmas was horrific, it’s when we started to row, we had been to the German market, got home and I passed out.

  Woke up with a black eye, the shame etched on your face, knowing I had to open the bar at home you wanted me to stay.

  I said you didn’t do it, truth be I didn’t know, I couldn’t remember the night before other than the falling snow.

  New Year’s Eve in the pub the night you kicked me out, after all I had done for you, now you play the clown.

  All the time you were wired, someone I didn’t know, if you weren’t going to prison, is this how our relationship would go?

  For five days you were missing on a bender I thought the hell would never end, sat at home calling the hospital and all your so-called friends.

  Remember that girl that said you weren’t at her place, something told me otherwise, so I turned up anyway.

  There you sat, looking spaced out, I didn’t say two words, just turned and walked back out.

  February brought the time you were all being sentenced so I paid for us to go on holiday, as an early present.

  The week was as about as normal as could be, the first time in a while you were nice to me.

  The day we got back from Devon our neighbour drove into my car, instead of going to the hospital you wanted me to watch the bar.

  Arm in a sling I couldn’t pull a pint, locals had to pour their own that night.

  You had gone to a tribute, got absolutely smashed, loads of trouble in the bar, I nearly got glassed.

  The next few weeks were awful as we watched the boys go down, knowing your day was coming you lost your head about now.

  My birthday is the 2nd, you were going on the 1st, of all the birthdays I’ve ever had that one was the worst.

  I can’t write about what happened next as it went from bad to worse, more pain than I’ve ever felt, I swore my life was cursed.

  It took five years for you to contact me, it came as a surprise but now we’re both a million miles away from our previous life.

  I told you the truth that happened, the things you didn’t know and how I was pleased to hear that you won your boxing show.

  Our time together was unbelievable at best, it is like we lived in the Wild West.

  Now when I look back and think of you, I smile as there were good times too.

  Notice

  We go to the salon to get our nails done, without thinking that this could be all wrong.

  Pick out a colour, take our turn in line, sit there without the thought even crossing our mind.

  They don’t speak our language, we don’t care, and rubbish nails are our worst nightmare.

  Our only dilemma is the time that it takes, as we have got better things to do than sit here and wait.

  We need to go to the car wash, as we don’t do it ourselves, sit there whilst they run out like a pack of elves, they don’t speak our language, we don’t care, paying premium for a carwash is our worst nightmare.

  We go to the Café for a cuppa with our friends, sit beside some young girls that are sitting with older men.

  They are children and don’t look related, but it is not our business, so we do not notice.

  They don’t speak our language, we don’t care, and I’d rather sit here listening to my mate’s love affair.

  Now off to the club it is time to party, in the toilets there’s an attendant who is dressed rather smartly.

  £2 for perfume, £1 for hairspray, converse with the attendant but we are too drunk to know what he says.

  He doesn’t speak our language, we don’t care, and we are just in here to fix up our messy hair.
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  Sitting at home the next day feeling all hung-over, who is that helping the neighbours with their new sofa?

  I’ve seen the person regular and never thought to speak, guess it is a relative, she looks rather meek.

  She doesn’t speak our language, we don’t care, and she is with our neighbours, they must know she is there.

  We don’t even notice when it is right in front of our eyes, these could be children that have been trafficked through the night.

  Human Trafficking is truly horrific, here in the western world we turn a blind eye to it.

  Scream

  Be the bigger person, always remain polite, and keep in all the things you feel inside.

  This is what we teach people and I don’t think it’s right.

  When you suppress your feelings, it makes you hurt inside.

  Give people freedom to release what’s pent up, let them know it gets better and to never give up.

  Teach them how to use pain to make better days, tell them how to learn lessons and that we all make mistakes.

  Do not silence people making them feel alone, every one of us carries demons and ghosts.

  The damage that comes with feeling all alone, can sometimes be found left in a suicide note.

  Too many times do people see no way out, they won’t speak up when we have told them not to speak out.

  For someone to get to the point of no return, they had to be desperate and be feeling unheard.

  So, let’s stop silencing people and make them scream their truth, maybe we can help them and save a life too.

  Human

  You walked passed me today, you didn’t say hi, to you I am not a person, you turn a blind eye.

  I wasn’t always like this, I was born just like you, I can walk and speak, I am human too.

  I don’t have a home, so I sleep on the streets, this is far from what I wanted, for me.

  I hang with the homeless, some of them get high, what would you do? To get you through the night.

  Who is going to help us? We are the forgotten, not all of us ended up here because we are rotten.

  Some of us got lost, others lost hope, some of us simply didn’t have anywhere to go.

  When you walk past us maybe say hi, we do have emotions, we laugh as well as cry.

  Try and understand that this could be your life.

  We are all humans our difference being just this, that we don’t have anywhere to live.

  Racist

  We walk into Sainsbury’s in the best of moods, for I have just been riding you this afternoon.

  I grab a basket as you reach for the chocolate, I sign at you “you are a pig” and this is how it started.

  You start laughing and sign I am a duck; now I hold two fingers up telling you to get fucked.

  We are both laughing, and enjoying our day, winding each other up, is how we always play.

  Walking down the aisle and you smack me on the arse, to which I reply by signing a love heart.

  I am walking ahead of you when you respond signing, I am a hippo, I catch you doing it as I reach for a calypso.

  Shaking my head, I sign that you’re an ape, turning the corner laughing and this was my mistake.

  Before my eyes a woman appeared, full of anger and rage, I was in fear.

  She was screaming at me like I had killed her son, I was confused, I didn’t know what I had done.

  That’s when she spat the words that made me feel sick, she had seen me sign ape and now was shouting I was a racist.

  You come bounding around the corner wondering what was going on, this lady didn’t know we were together, so she told you what I had done.

  You stand in front of me getting the woman out of my face, you respond to the woman with sheer rage.

  You tell her you are my boyfriend, that we were playing a game, how she is the only person in the shop who is seeing race.

  In that moment I felt sadder than ever before, it was the first time our difference had been explored.

  I was so proud of you for standing by my side, now the woman looked as though she could die.

  That’s when she apologised to us both, I didn’t stop shaking until we had gotten home.

  You made me a cup of tea and I burst out crying, you gave me a hug then signed that I am a lion.

  I kiss your nose and tell you never to change, for you are the man I love regardless of race.

  Exposed

  I look perfectly put together, but I am full of cracks, I keep people at arm’s length, so they do not notice that.

  Internally I am still damaged, no one sees it, I just harbour the chaos we created.

  Our dynamics changed as our truth was exposed, my vision of us lost its hope.

  My mind indented with the things I have seen, our final moments a real horror scene.

  One day of bad, months of love, why is it now the bad is one nil up?

  It is like the good was all grains of sugar, the bad the water that dissolved it into a river.

  I try to block it out and not think of you, but the more I do that the more I do.

  Distance helps me but also makes it worse, you can’t rebury the truth that’s been unearthed.

  Time passes but my questions remain the same, is there anything we could do to change?

  But it will take more than just me to fix this, and you are happy with it ripped.

  Ripped is putting it nicely for we are smashed, like watching a fire burn to ash.

  I am the burnt wood you are the ember, I am scorched, while you shine brighter.